November 12th, 2008

Keith Olbermann is the Devil!

The other night on MSNBC, shining example of the Godless liberal media, the Devil himself made a speech denouncing that holiest of propositions: Prop 8. Surely you sinners saw him? No? Keith Olbermann anyone?

Don’t tell me you didn’t recognize Satan in disguise! No? Fox News did. Well how about now?

That's more like it.

Well, now that we have proven beyond any shade of doubt that Keith Olbermann is in fact the Devil, we can reasonably and freely denounce him as such and disregard anything he has said, will say or has even thought about saying as complete and utter God-hating nonsense. It’s a matter of logic really.

Still, we’d like to address some of the filth that Keith spewed forth from his impious pulpit, because some so called “educated” sinners can’t seem to comprehend simple logic- Even when it’s shouted in their ears from a street corner on their way to work at 7:00 in the morning and flashed brazen neon in front of their sleep crusted eyes.

The devil (aka Keith Olbermann) wants you to believe that gay marriage is a question of “love”. Well this is obviously nonsense, because anyone who knows God knows that there is no such thing as “love”, there is only “not Hate”. So there’s one argument down.

Keith also compares gay marriage to the African American civil rights movement of the 1950s:

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

Well Keith, this is not even remotely compatible because everyone knows that white people don't want to marry black people. Thus we don't need a law against it. Besides, unlike homosexuals, black people are at least human. Granted, not fully, but the Bible doesn’t tell us they shouldn’t lie together. (Although the EBC is currently working on a re-write of the Bible (God-approved) which may or may not include this and a few other Hate filled Easter eggs. No spoilers though!! Don’t want to ruin it for everyone. Look for the Eastboro Baptist Church Bible on stores in 2010! … Assuming we win that stupid court battle with the Anti-Defamation League.)

No Keith, we see no similarities whatsoever to the African American civil rights movement. All we see is the Truth... All the time. We suggest you try it. It makes things much simpler.

Keith then goes on to talk about “sham marriages” in which gay people are forced to marry the opposite sex:

How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

Well disregarding for a moment the widely accepted scientific FACT that gayness can be beaten out of anyone by means of constant emotional and spiritual degradation throughout their young adult life, and 72 hours of continuous Bible reading at a church-sponsored woodland retreat- Which, of course, negates Keith’s highly imaginative situation that a gay person could be forced into a God-approved marriage -  Keith doesn’t seem to understand the definition of “sanctity of marriage”. Marriage is not about “love”. It’s not even about not Hate. No, the sanctity of marriage is simply the ability to complete this child block-shape puzzle:

If you don’t have the right pieces how can you complete it? Surely you don’t want your kids to grow up not understanding their basic shapes? If gay marriage is legalized then your kids will grow up, get a drivers license, mistake a stop sign for a… non stop sign, be blind sided by a semi truck, and will burn in Hellfire for all eternity. What kind of parent would you be to let that happen?

Marriage is between a man and a woman. This is what God defined marriage as when He wrote the United States Consitution. (Which the American people have since crumpled up for use as toilet paper and rubbed their feces all over it and sniffed it. Feces feces feces!)

Well we’re pretty sure we’ve proved our point beyond a reasonable doubt. His diatribe went on, but we sort of tuned out after this... We think he mentioned something about the Nintendo Wii, and we’re sure the rest is just blasphemous, nonsensical garbage.

To our humble servants:

The passing of Proposition 8 in California is currently a hot topic. So if you should find yourself in an argument with a sinner about the "morality" of Proposition 8, just follow these simple instructions:

1. Repeat Leviticus 18:22.

2. Shout louder.

3. Show above picture of Keith Olbermann with devil horns.

You have won the argument. Smile and laugh at your affronter's plea to morality and common sense.

If you care to, you can watch Satan (in the form of Keith Olbermann) give his speech here. But just remember that we have already disproved every word he said.