The Eastboro Westboro Rumble
Undeniable Truth That God Hates The Westboro Baptists!
(As told by Pastor Ben Bigots on Sept. 26, 1957)

A group of young, white, straight men from our congregation were out late one night (7:00!) picketing an orphanage in downtown Topeka. It was a successful picketing. Those sinners will think twice before giving shelter to God’s bastard children.

As they made their way back to Eastboro, the sun began to set. They realized they would need to hurry, lest they be caught in the depraved, degenerate night life of downtown Topeka. God only knows what repulsive sinning goes on there after dark. Of course, they wore their silver crosses around their necks to protect themselves after sunset, as this is when the fags come out. They cannot bear to look upon the cross and know their wicked deeds!

Though God guided their way, their trip was made difficult by the number of fire-hydrants the sinners of Topeka had placed around their filthy streets in their attempt to scare our missionaries away. Lord knows that only heathens drink from the unblessed, disease-ridden water that flows from the sewers of America!

In these brave lads’ efforts to avoid these fountains of fag water, they found they had mistakenly wandered into WestBoro territory. It wasn’t long before a gang of WestBoro fags crawled out from the God-forsaken filth of their building complex to form a line across the street, blocking our truth-carriers’ path.

The Westboro Baptists began shuffling forward, doing some kind of paganistic, choreographed dance in perfect synchronization, while snapping their fingers to the Devil’s rhythm. However, the Eastboro boys were not afraid. God’s Hatred was behind them, and soon he would unleash his wrath upon the Westboro sinners and their wanton display of sexually charged show dancing.

The Westboro Baptist gang dancing all gay-like.

Eastboro stood firm as Westboro continued to shimmy, sway and spin down the street towards them. Just then, Eastboro was illuminated from the Heavens by God’s immeasurable Hatred, and they knew there was no going back- It was time to Rumble.

Our Eastboro Baptists struck a pose, in even more perfect synchronization than the Westboro Baptists, and the angels’ trumpets and saxophones wailed! The spotlight from Heaven shown down upon them. They darted back and forth, flipping and rolling, shouting “Hoo!” and “Cha!” to the angels’ jazz music. They snapped their fingers and pounded on garbage can lids to the beat.

The two boros continued towards each other, their two-step twist and twirls of Broadway splendor and their shouting and the music of the Heaven’s growing to such cacophony that the entire universe began to tremble! (of which, the Earth is the center)

Soon they were right next to each other, swaying forward and backwards, arms outstretched with lightening fast jazz-fingers, each group of Baptists just daring the other to back down. This was a brawl the likes of which had never been seen before in the history of God’s Wrath.

Eastboro Uses It's Heavenly Jazz-Fingers on the Westboro Baptists

It was at this moment that the Heaven’s parted, and God himself, in all his blinding Hatred, came down upon the true Baptists and their heathen impersonators. The Rumble ceased, and the Westboro sinners fell to their knees and prayed to God for forgiveness. But God does not forgive, and God does not forget!

He split open the Earth, from which the fires of Hell erupted forth, spewing molten lava (the Devil’s diarrhea) unto the street!

“Quake with Fear Westboro Baptists for thou hath sinned an abomination unto me, and thou will feel my Wrath!” Roared God.

The Westboro boys cried out for mercy once again.

“Silence you fools! You have displayed a blatant disregard for my Hatred by dancing in the streets with your pageantry and strong homo-sexual overtones! Lo, Eastboro shall not be punished! Though the Eastboro Baptists also danced in the streets, they only did so in self-defense, and their moves were not nearly as gay looking as yours!”

With that, God cast the Westboro Baptist sinners into eternal Hell fire, and sealed the Earth once again. He returned the Eastboro Baptists back to the safety and divinity of Eastboro and returned to Heaven.

Before turning in for the night, the Eastboro boys, as all good and proper Christians should, kneeled beside their beds and prayed to God to kill everyone except them, and damn their wicked souls to the fires of Hell for all eternity. Amen.

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